The recent, tragic passing of Stanford Women's Soccer goalie Katie Meyer has shocked the sports world and beyond. Katie's parents spoke to the media a few days after her passing, confirming that her death was by suicide.
When I saw this, I expected to be shocked. Taken aback. Surprised that someone like Katie, a captain and star goalie, would end her own, seemingly perfect, life. But I wasn't. I was upset, I was angry, even. However, I was anything but surprised.
Why not?
Because it happens all the time. Katie Meyer's life outwardly appeared perfect, but it wasn't. Life as a student-athlete is anything but perfect. It's messy, its stressful, and its overwhelming as much as it is enjoyable and rewarding. I know this because I am a student-athlete, I've walked in Katie Meyer's shoes.
Does this challenge your idea of what it's like to be a student-athlete? For most, it does. The public sees the free gear, the scholarships, the worldwide travel, or the social media popularity and idolizes it. These are the things that those outside of collegiate athletics associate with the student-athlete. And that's okay. These things aren't untrue. There are some incredible benefits to being a student-athlete - friendships, experiences, and opportunities of unmatched value. But there is so much to the life of a student-athlete that the public never sees. Whether this is the physical pain and injuries, the missing classes and catching up on work, the mandatory meetings and early morning training sessions (and I mean, really early). These things are just as much a part of being a student athlete as actually putting on a uniform and playing the sport - and they take a toll.
It is impossible for us to know exactly what Katie was feeling. We will never know what the tipping point was, what the one thing that put her over the edge could have been. But, I can provide you a bit of insight into what she more than likely was experiencing leading up to her decision to end her life. I hope I can help you to understand why she felt like there were no other options left for her. This may be an uncomfortable read for some, but I whole-heartedly believe that it is so important that we talk about this. Until we can shed light on the reality of mental health in student-athletes and start opening the gateway for un-shamed candor and honest conversation, we haven't yet taken a step towards providing a better environment for our student athletes.
This conversation will save lives.
I recently finished the book "What Made Maddy Run", the story of University of Pennsylvania runner Madison Holleran who also died by suicide in 2014, at just 19 years old. It was an outstanding tragedy at the time, something never heard about, never talked about. Suicide among athletes has continued to be kept quiet - that does not mean it hasn't happened.
In my time working in mental health, both before and currently, as a Campus Captain for The Hidden Opponent, I've noticed one common theme among athletes who have spoken about their struggles with mental health:
Wishing they could stop. For just one moment, wishing that unrelenting student-athlete schedule would allow them just a short break. But it doesn't.
In "What Made Maddy Run", author Kate Fagan recounts a conversation Maddy had with her dad one day, in the car, on her way back to Penn after for the start of second semester about how much she DIDN'T want to go back to school.
"Yet here she was, just one semester into running track at Penn, wishing she could stop. Hoping someone would recognize that she desperately needed to stop".
Why did this strike a nerve for me?
Because in the height of my own struggle, it is exactly what I said. I just wanted everything to stop, just for a minute. I was 16. I wasn't even in college yet.
This thought is memorable to me for one other reason. It was when I was at my lowest that I found The Hidden Opponent, and its founder Victoria Garrick's TED Talk from the University of Southern California. In it, Victoria says;
"I remember sometimes during water breaks I would run to the bathroom and just cry because for five seconds I just wanted my day to stop", she continues, "I never got to a point of self-harm fortunately, and I never put myself in actual danger, but I can remember a few times that I was biking and I thought, you know, if this car accidentally hit me right now that would stop my week, that would give me the break that I so badly need".
The schedule of a student-athlete is unrelenting. They are expected to balance class, lift, practice, meetings, optional workouts (that aren't actually optional), homework, and whatever may be going on in their personal life without so much as a complaint. No wonder the common theme seems to be student-athletes begging for just a moment to stop.
The question: Why can't we provide them with that?
Katie Meyer's parents had no idea that their daughter was struggling. Like so many others, she hid her pain and struggles for fear of judgement and non-acceptance. They don't know exactly why Katie committed suicide, and unfortunately never will. What they could say was that Katie "had a lot on her plate".
Suicide is something that is hard to comprehend, nevermind to discuss. However, it is this conversation about it that may prevent it from happening in the future.
For me, finding Victoria Garrick's TED Talk was what made me realize that I wasn't the only one in the world feeling that way. For the first time I realized I wasn't alone, and that nothing was wrong with me for feeling that way. This realization, in turn, is what made me seek out professional help. Shortly after finding this video I started working with a sports psychologist, and I sent the video to her.
Victoria's willingness to talk about her struggle is what saved me and my softball career. That is why I have made it my mission to talk openly about these issues, because if it can help just one person then it will have been worth it.
The more people who are willing to come forward helps to destigmatize mental health in the sports community. We have seen significant beginnings through the candor of athletes with large platforms, such as Simone Biles and Naomi Osaka. The more we talk about this, normalize these conversations and change the narrative around mental health in athletes, the more we lower the risk of tragedies like that of Katie Meyer.
My heart goes out to the Meyer family and to everyone who knew Katie, this is an unimaginable loss. My heart also goes out to every student-athlete who also found themselves unsurprised at the news. Every student-athlete who, when they heard the news, thought "I can understand". Every student-athlete who can or could relate. We hear you. It's time to end the stigma.
If you are in need of help now, please call 1-800-273-8255 or text HOME to 741741. There are always options. You can take that moment to stop. Your life is worth so much more than your athletic career.